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I just want to go on a long walk together. Strolling around through a beautiful park, the nature center, or even just around town. I want to hold your hand and let everyone know how much I love you. I want to reach into the bushes and pick beautiful flowers. Take pictures together with picturesque backgrounds. Do my hair and makeup and feel beautiful for the first time since before I got pregnant. I just want to have a perfect day where I don’t feel ugly, or fat. Where I don’t have to make any decisions. Where neither of us are crabby or tired. A day when all we need is each other. And a camera to document a perfect day with the love of my life.
But he’ll never do that. He hates walking. He hates pictures. He’s always tired and so am I. I’ll never feel beautiful or thin. Perfect days just don’t happen.

I really can’t imagine my life without him.. He laughs at me because I can remember what I was wearing the first time I ever came over here. And because I get sentimental over strange things. Like the fact that he has the Sears receipt in his wallet from the day we met. Or when I wear his security jacket because he was wearing it when we met. I even miss the passat because of all the memories made in that car. Like when I’d hang out with him when I wasn’t supposed to. We’d meet somewhere for lunch. Then we’d sit in his car and smoke and kiss and talk. And everything bad in my life would just disappear until we went our separate ways. And let’s not forget the time he tried to get me to have sex with him in the Walmart parking lot in the passat. I was wearing like the tightest jeans I owned and he still managed to get his hands in there. I can’t believe it’s almost been a year… It’s so strange to think about. Shelby and I were talking in pawn America about how she wants a new ring because hers is broken. I wouldn’t mind one too. I love the one he gave me for valentines. And I love the way he gave it to me. How he got down on one knee and promised me that someday he’d replace it with a real ring. I’d like one similar to Shelby’s. Not because I have to be like her, I just really like the style. Just a month and a half until our anniversary… It still breaks me heart a little bit that I know he won’t propose. But I suppose it’s for the best. I can’t blame him for being afraid to get hurt and fucked over again. I just want him to be happy.

Man I need a cigarette.

People always say that it hurts at night
and apparently screaming into your pillow at 3am
is the romantic equivalent of being heartbroken.

But sometimes
it’s 9am on a tuesday morning
and you’re standing at the kitchen bench waiting for the toast to pop up

And the smell of dusty sunlight and earl gray tea makes you miss them so much
you don’t know what to do with your hands.

Rosie Scanlan, On Missing Them  (via bluegirls)

As stupid and hyper as she is, I really miss my dog. As bitchy as she is, I miss my mom. But I’ll always hate my dad. The things he’s done for me will never out weight the emotional turmoil I’ve been through because of him. My mom is just scared to lose everything she has. She depends on him because of his money. She can’t afford to live on her own anymore than I can. I can see it in her eyes. The pain she hides. The image sticks in my mind since I saw her that Wednesday. I hope she’s doing okay. And I hope Shanoah is doing good too. I hope she gets enough love. Then again, she’s got all the attention now. I can’t help but wonder how quiet the house is all the time. I wonder if they talk about me all the time. Or if they just pretend I don’t exist anymore. I hope they’re okay. Except my dad, he can get mauled by a bear.

thats-slightly-raven:

People who have a superiority complex based on their enjoyment of vintage music or books are some of the most annoying people in the world and if I ever hear you ridiculing someone just because they may not enjoy listening to the beatles whilst reading to kill a mockingbird and sipping a cup of hibiscus green tea i will literally come to your house and staple your nipples to your elbows 

Well, got kicked out of cheerleading yesterday. I’m pissed but whatever. Way to fucking start my senior year homecoming. Ugh. I’m not mad at South, it’s her job and I broke the rules. But no one seems sad to see me go. They’re all just going on with their lives and Rose won’t even talk to me. Like what did I do to everyone that makes them hate me so much. South told me about what everyone said about me. She told me that every time I wasn’t there everyone talked shit about me. I’m not gonna say I won’t miss cheerleading but why should I hang out with a group of people who obviously don’t care about me.

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